Day 30. ask.
About 30 seconds ago this post was gonna be about therapy and getting support but as soon as I wrote the word "ask" I felt it encompassed so much more. I always become super aware of my mental health around my period. I just take a nose dive sometimes like into the PITS of my darkness and I can have anxious sleeps, nasty thought loops, and just fall into depression for days at a time. And I've been struggling this past week! Some days are worse than others but I've definitely been feeling the lows and some anger arise within me and I thought hmm, it might be time to start therapy again. I took a break last year when I went to Europe and didn't start up again because I just felt like I needed to live a little bit and see where all the internal work I've been doing lands in my life. I feel I've been doing really great honestly but sometimes it's nice to have someone put into words what you're feeling. Or ask you something in a different way that helps you come to the conclusion yourself (like the best therapists do) or even just to have the outlet to talk about things you don't want to talk to anyone else about!! So I can already feel this post being all the fuck over the place but I'm just gonna go with it because these 30 days have basically become an online journal for me.. but anyway. ASK. When it comes to therapy, God, your divine team, yourSELF, your friends & family.. asking for help can be one of the hardest things to do. It definitely is for me like it can be damn near embarrassing. But when I am brought to this level of vulnerability where I have no other choice, it can be the most humbling and beautiful thing. Needing each other is how this life is designed. There is no other true way. We cannot do this life alone. And when we are brought into our darkest corners of ourselves and calling out for help, to me, it's one of those things that reminds me of our oneness. Because I am so stubbornly independent, I feel like life tests me more & more to where I have no choice but to involve others, to make me connect in my vulnerability when I'd rather not.
In 2021 my business really took off and all of my dreams were really coming true big time right before my eyes. I had also started therapy the year prior & we were just coming out of lockdown, I had moved into a new place.. basically a whole lot of scary newness, both good and bad, and a whole bunch of new feelings that had surfaced that I'd spent a good 30+ years trying to stuff down. So I started to drink. A lot. Basically, I would work like a dog, drop a new release, it would do so well and then I would just feel this emptiness and cry and cry and cry and drink for a week in my bed. It happened about 5 times until I had had enough of my own shit. I started to scare myself and I called a treatment center to come and pick me up. Within an hour I was in a car on the way, still drunk, totally freaked the fuck out, going to detox. To this day I still think of it as one of the best experiences I ever had. I was terrified, more vulnerable than I'd ever been, and I knew I had no other choice. I was strictly there for detox but since I had spent the $$ I was like fuck it. I'm gonna DO THIS. I was in that kitchen at 6am the next morning making eggs. Went to every talk, class, activity, meeting. Met some amazing people and met a new side of myself. A side that needed some extra care, softness, forgiveness, patience and love. Asking for help in that moment was the best decision I could have ever made. If you are curious, I didn't stop drinking after that - to the dismay of some people in my life. And I understand. I know they were scared. But I just had to do it my own way. I thought totally abstaining from something wasn't for me it felt like it gave it too much power. For me, I had to learn to sit with painful feelings. I had to learn to let myself feel and not run. I had to learn to ask for help, to be honest with myself when I'm feeling a type of way and make loving decisions for myself. I know this is not everyone's story and I know we all have our own paths. Now, I really don't drink much just because I'm getting older and it makes me feel like SHIT no matter how little or how much. And it makes me LOOK like shit. And I just don't *need* it the way I once did. I don't want to escape. I like living in my head and my body even when it gets a little dark because I know how to meet myself there now. I never feel alone, I no longer feel the need to run or pretend I'm too tough. I'm better at saying I'm scared or worried or sad and that I need help or I need to talk. I ask for help literally every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. I pray to see through the lens of gratitude. I pray to have patience with myself and let myself feel uncomfortable things. I pray for assistance in just holding onto my truth when I know other factors are fucking with my head and making me second guess myself.
So ask for help if you need it. Ask for a little extra time. Ask for a sign. Ask for reassurance and guidance. It is all around you and even if it starts with a quiet prayer in your mind tonight while you lay in bed, I promise you will see it actualize in the physical form some way or another. Pay attention. You are soooo loved. Just ask.