Day 24. taking.accountability.
First of all. Let me just say, you are perfect. You are perfect *exactly* as you are. In fact, your imperfections are the most perfect part of your design. They're why you're here. If you didn't have imperfections of any sort, you wouldn't be on earth. You would be on a whole other plane, guiding the souls who are still incarnating on earth to grow, stretch, expand, learn and evolve. So now that you remember that you're perfect, it's even easier to be accountable for your mistakes, right? Because flawed humans are perfect. Flawed humans are the design.
I've noticed a little theme of accountability lately in certain dynamics and conversations in all aspects of my life. Things I've witnessed in online interactions, tv, things that are mirrored in myself - sometimes not so easily because our shadows are little tricksters..only to come out when triggered and who can reflect clearly when triggered?? But afterwards, I do reflect. Hmm. Why DID that trigger me?
When I did not know how to love myself as I do now. When I could not accept my imperfections because to me, that meant I couldn't be lovable, it was near impossible to take accountability for my shit. It was too painful. It was SO painful that I completely blocked it out. I literally could not see it - it's like my brain turned off and was literally not able to acknowledge certain traits about myself and how they were affecting my quality of life and my relationships. I know for a fact I still have traits I suffer to acknowledge. They come out when I'm triggered by something someone in my life does that I have refused to accept in myself. I've disowned it. So the universe, because it loves me so much, gifts me beautiful mirrors in people to constantly try to show me - "See, you do this too, you can accept it, and I promise you will still be loved. Psstt this is why you're here. Remember?? Okay not ready yet? Okay I'll show you again in a little while and we can try again."
When I was younger and had lower self esteem, it felt like a weakness to acknowledge I had fucked up and did something wrong or acted in a way I wasn't proud of. Hell it was impossible to even acknowledge I had low self esteem!! I chose to ignore it and just hoped it went away. But that didn't make my life any better. Now, I really, really try to reflect on the situations I wish to change and the dynamics that trigger me in my life. At one point years ago I would put people's names on post-its and put them all in my journal and just leave it open. I'd ask myself the question like okay what is this showing me? And come back and fill in the blanks as they came to me. At this point in my life, after a lot of soul searching and therapy and brutal honesty with myself and some big personal fuck-ups, it comes to me easier as I journal. I ask myself why is this situation in my life right now? It's taking up emotional space, I do not like how it feels, what is it showing me? Where do I contribute? What can I do differently or is this something that I have outgrown?
Now, taking accountability is something that makes me feel powerful, and proud, and in the driver's seat of my life. Of course, I will have things to work on until it's my time to leave this earth, and the next life and the next life! But I will say, asking myself the questions, owning up, acknowledging it to other's involved and keeping it moving, has made my life better in literally every way. If I don't like how something feels in my life I start asking the questions, what am I learning, why is this being presented to me, how am I contributing, how can I positively change this, what is this showing me in myself? Do I embody this in some way? I used to think for the big, awesome, life changing shifts, you gotta go to the depths and come back and that's when you own your shit and come back. And yes, that true. But it's also, especially, in the little things. How do I talk to strangers? How do I talk to myself? How do I talk to people I work with when they make a mistake, cost me money or make a customer upset? (most triggering because I really just get terrified of losing everything I worked for - all of my anger is sadness or fear) But do I have patience with them? With myself? How do I talk to customer service people when I'm frustrated? Do I yell nasty things at people on the road who drive like shit? I'm really trying to put a microscope to who I am in every single situation so that I can be who I wish to encounter, in every single situation.
Taking accountability for the big and the little things in your life, reflection, honesty and vulnerability with your beautiful, imperfect self.. is the most powerful thing you can do. Be authentic. Be messy. Own it. Love hard. Move on. You're perfect.
See you tomorrow.